Saturday, January 23, 2010

More Realizations.......

For anyone that read my previous post you already know there are major changes going on in my life at the moment.   I've come into so many 'self' realizations lately that I have had to make changes or either just waste away as I feel I've been doing for almost 8 years now!
What decisions are 'good' for the situation decisions and which decisions are just being plain ole' selfish??  How do you decide?  Do you just pick something and shoot for that?  Then what happens when you find 'that' and it falls short on everything else and never compares to what you had?  Do you just don't compare and just try to be happy?  What if true happiness just does not exist??  Is anyone truly just happy with every aspect of their life?  So that means you decide on how much you can handle and then just deal, right?  What happens if what you decide you can deal then changes over years?  Do you throw it all away, or swallow that pain and keep on trucking with the 'plan'?  Then there are children....it's so hard to figure what would be best and which way they will react, but who gets to and how do you decide?  
Well, I've decided in 2010 that it cannot continue the same as it has been since 2000!  It has got to be a new and different next 10 years!  There are things I want to do and so many folks are dropping WAY too early these days!  I plan on living the rest of my 30's and into my 40's.   My mother just turned 59 and doesn't look a day over 40 as she has been doing her thang for a long time ;)  (she would kill me if she knew I posted that sentence..lol)  Anywho, I want to be happy for a change and do what I want to do instead of making all my decisions based on what I know someone else would think about it or based on what someone else would want.  Now I'll give the kids some too...but right now what will make me happy would also make them happy.  They have told me that much. 
It's funny how some folks can preach how 'actions speak louder than words' but when their own actions are screaming the truth at you and you call them on it they are truly UPSET!  That is so confusing to me...so only make sure everyone around you does what you want??  Do they not deserve the same respect to follow those rules when it comes to yourself??  At this point I only know how to read the actions...I've been reading the actions for so long and trying to tell myself that I was seeing it wrong that now without that delusion it's hard NOT to see the truth!  So now do you 'wait' it out, hope it all gets better or move on and find happiness?
These points are true for your household or your job.  We spend anywhere from 30 to 80 hours a week at work so your interactions and decisions make just as much of an impact at work as they do on your household.   If your mind is stressed then going to work may subject unsuspecting co-workers to retaliation that isn't even meant for them. 
The person that sparked the previous post is still not a part of my life right now and I see that being that way for a long time.  The person that sparked this post is still there and is actually someone I want to still be there, but not sure how much longer they can be there before I break.  I'm afraid that this time once I'm broken it will be very difficult to fix so I'm thinking avoid being broken all together...maybe...or just wait to be broken and then deal with repairs no matter how long it takes.  Difficult decisions...definitely!!!
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